The Ex is back.

 

I posted a few months ago about a soldier in my Guard unit that was having issues with her ex-boyfriend harassing her. I asked her at the last drill a couple weeks ago how things were going for her and if things had settled down so she wasn’t being bothered by him anymore. Well between blocking him in email, social media and her phone as well as sending notice through a lawyer  that if it didn’t stop she would pursue a restraining order and possibly other legal actions he had stopped bothering her. The only thing she had heard was an email, apparently he used a different email address and told her he had gotten married about a month before and did not want her to bother him any longer. Except, she had not bothered him, ever, other than to ask him to stop contacting her when he had tried to email, text and call. She assumed that after the last email it would had stopped. But, sometimes unexpected things happen, or things we hoped would not happen, do. Yesterday I got an email from her, apologizing for bothering me, and asking for advise. She said that a few days before he received an email from him and he talked about missing her and told her he still cared. She said she did not understand why he would do that if he was married. But, she did not reply and then, 2 days later she gets another email from the same address which was a bit, well from what she described, not hateful, but not pleasant with comments about how she should have the decency to reply. She told me she replied that time and said that her feelings had not changed and that she had reasons for breaking up with him and she was glad she did so. He answered saying he was changed, he could control his temper and he was sorry for some of the things he said when he was upset. She answered and said that it was good and that since he was married he should focus on his wife and not someone else. Back and forth with the emails a few times, she said he was fine in them once she answered and that it was kind of like an exchange between friends. He started sharing issues he has with his wife, criticisms of her, and also made comments about missing her again. She decided then that she was not wanting to continue any discussion because of how the conversation was going and told him that, wished him luck and said good bye.

Apparently, that set him off and he got more hateful in his emails and she received a couple more but did not reply and then, blocked that address as well. When she did that, he started posting excerpts from her emails on social media, but she said they weren’t exactly what she had written and that it seemed that someone had edited them somehow. Making it seem as if she was bitter that they broke up and was trying to somehow get back together with him and that he made comments that were very unkind and hateful. Well, they have mutual friends and she said that what he posted wasn’t what she actually wrote and that the things he was saying were not true. His wife and some of her friends had commented about her contacting him knowing he was “happily married.” And that it frustrated her that he is apparently telling people that she emailed him and not that she replied to one of several emails he sent her.  She asked me what should she do and said what he really feels like doing is just slamming him the way he is trying to do to her and then making comments about why does this “happily married man” keep emailing her when she had asked him not to do so?

Okay, that is very obviously not a comfortable or pleasant situation for her. I asked, knowing the answer, if any of what he wrote was true. No, she said it was lies, some of it half truths, but most of it blatant lies. I asked if she thought her friends that may see it believed it and thought poorly of her from it. “No, they have all said they know he is trying to make me look like the bad guy and that I didn’t do that stuff.” I suggested that if her friends did not believe it, perhaps ignoring it was the best thing as obviously this guy was trying to somehow get her drawn into a public argument if you will, so he could try to shame her and put himself in a position that he looked like a victim and so he could try to ridicule her. Basically telling her that if she doesn’t contribute to that discussion, it will fizzle out and stop. Besides that, I mentioned that if she allowed herself to be drawn into some sort of debate or argument; she would end up getting angry and frustrated from all that and that adding to any drama or hostility would cause it to escalate further. I also suggested that she pray about it, and pray for him. Obviously this man has some issues in life and his marriage, or he would not feel the need to bother my friend and distract himself from his marriage. And, he obviously needs God in his life and to get treatment for his issues. I did tell her it was not easy to pray for someone that was doing her wrong, for an enemy basically, but that it was what was needed. He needed God and she needed to pray for him to help herself let go of the anger and frustration he was causing her to feel and instead, realize she should feel sorry for him, pity him and his unhappiness in life and pray that God work in his heart. I also said that she really should pray for his wife because obviously that young lady is not in a good situation, he is being emotionally unfaithful if he keeps contacting her. Between the guy’s issues that caused my friend to break up with him and the fact that he keeps trying to contact my friend he is obviously not truly invested in his marriage such that his wife will likely be facing some difficult times and possibly hard decisions in the near future.

Through the emails discussing all these things she told me a few other things and that she understood about praying for him and his issues as well as praying he would stop bothering her and said she would try that. Of course, I did mention that if it starts again she may need to visit with her lawyer again to discuss other options. She said she understood.  I told her I would pray for her, and the others involved, as they all need God to work on things for them and give them the peace of God.

I really feel badly for all those involved, obviously more so for my friend because, well human nature is such that we tend to worry more for family and friends. But, I do feel bad about how he is treating her, and whether his wife knows it or not, he is apparently being emotionally unfaithful and expending a lot of emotional energy worrying more about my friend than his spouse. I also feel bad for him as he apparently has issues and is creating hardships and difficult situations for both my friend and his wife. Through what she told me I don’t really understand what the motivation is for his actions. Whether he is trying to make my friend look bad and himself good, if he is trying to get my friend to reconsider the relationship with him or if he has some other agenda. But, he is obviously troubled somehow.

 

Blessed [are] the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9

Obviously, this situation is creating some turmoil for my friend and she has a choice, contribute to the turmoil or try to be the peacemaker through prayer and allowing God to work. Praying for such can be difficult when the other person is trying to create tension. But, in times such as these, one needs to put aside the human emotion and pray for peace.

 

43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

Matthew 5:43-45

 

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but [rather] give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance [is] mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.  Roman 12:19

 

It isn’t easy to pray for one’s enemies, for ones that do a person wrong, but when people behave that way it is obvious that the one attacking someone as is being done has issues and needs the Lord. It will also help her if she allows God to work in her situation and not allow herself to be dragged down to the her ex-boyfriend’s level. She needs to take the “moral high ground” the path that Christ would take and pray for this person, more for her own benefit than anyone else’s.

 

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.  Romans 12:2

 

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.  1 John 1:7

 

This young lady, and all of us, have all had situations where another person has treated us poorly, attacked us, directly or indirectly, and done us wrong. We need to not think with the human mind or feel with the human heart, but instead think and feel towards those mistreating us as Christ would feel towards others; feel concern, worry, pity and love. Pray for them and through that, come closer to that which Jesus wants us to become.

 

Lord, I praise You and thank You for the opportunity to help this friend of mine. I thank You for helping me find the right things to say and I pray that You give me wisdom when asked for advise, not just now, but in other situations as well. I ask in the name of Jesus that You help this girl, help her avoid getting into some type of exchange or argument with this guy and others because of his behavior. I pray that You give her peace and that she is no longer harassed by this man. I pray for this man as he obviously needs You in His life that You work in His heart that He stop this behavior and allow this girl to live her life in peace. I pray for this man’s wife as she obviously is in a situation and marriage where he is not fully dedicated to her, because if he was, he would not be trying to re-establish his relationship with my friend.

God, I know that there are many people in situations that are not what they expected or were promised. There others that are dealing with difficult relationships, jobs, lack of jobs, financial difficulties, family problems, disease, loss of loved ones and more problems and worries than I can possibly imagine. I pray for them all and ask that You help them, show them mercy, love and kindness. Help them know that if they are in situations that can be changed, and need to be changed, that You help them know that You will be with them as they make the needed changes and that You will be their strength. Show them all the love of Christ so they not feel abandoned or alone, that they know they are not without hope and that You will take care of them and their needs. Draw us all closer to You, teach us Your way for our lives. Put burdens in the hearts of those who need to confess their sins, ask forgiveness and seek You. I praise You that when they do, that You will forgive them, show mercy and grace.

Amen

 

Her ex keeps calling.

telephone

Today at work I walked into the area for some of the “Big Shots” as I needed to speak to one of them. Just as I entered the area, the soldier, lets call her SGT Sally, loudly said, “STOP CALLING ME!” and slammed down the phone. Then she made one of those growl, moan, sigh sounds, you know, combination angry, frustrated, annoyed all together. Well, before I could say anything, she says “Sir, can I ask you a question?” For some reason, people have very often felt they can talk to me about things that they may not talk to others about. Maybe my job, maybe something about me, but for some reason, they feel comfortable talking to me about what sometimes is for me, awkward issues. Well, I told her yes, because obviously she needed to talk with someone and, since I am trying to be a blessing to at least one other person every day, I figured this might be the right time. So, I sat down by her desk and she started telling me all about it.

“That was my ex-fiancé. We dated a short time, were engaged for a few months and several months ago I broke it off, because I started getting some bad feelings about it. He was pushing, from the day he asked me, to get married soon. He was trying to get me to go to the courthouse to get married a week after he bought my engagement ring. I wanted to take a little more time to get to know him better. He started getting pushier and pushier about setting a date, and getting married. Not just setting a date and preparing, he was in a huge rush. That made me nervous. The longer I waited, the more he pushed, got hateful about it and everything. When I tried to get him to talk about things, he would say nothing. Finally, I knew that it was not right so I told him that was it, broke it off. When I did, he started sending flowers at least 3 times a week and calling several times a day. I stopped answering, he’d leave messages, some begging me to take him back, some kind of mean. I blocked his number on my cell phone, but he used someone else’s and started again. That went on for almost a month after we broke up. Then, it would only happen maybe a couple times a month. Last week he started calling again. I didn’t recognize the number the first time, so I answered. He kept saying the same stuff. Then, the next message was saying he called to tell me about how things are for him. I blocked that number, then a couple more times I got calls from different numbers but didn’t answer, he left messages that were hateful, or asking me to reconsider to saying how he just wanted to let me know how he was now. Today, he has called me at work 4 times already (it wasn’t even noon) and these phones don’t have caller ID so I have to answer. If it is him, I hang up. I heard from friends that he was engaged again already so I don’t know why he is calling now to ask me to take him back. I don’t know what to do, when he isn’t like this, he is not a bad guy, but he just will do stuff like that. I don’t have the money to get a restraining order, but he is kind of making me concerned. He never hurt me physically, hollered and was hateful if he got mad, then acted like all was fine. Do you have any ideas?” During the conversation there were a lot more details she shared, but they don’t really alter the circumstances she was now facing, but were reasons she broke up with him. She then said, “I wish I could tell the girl he’s engaged to now but….” and paused. I finished for her,  “but, she wouldn’t believe you and if she asked him he would say you are the crazy ex.” She nodded her head.

Well, I asked who ended the relationship? It was her. And did she ever feel in physical danger around him? No, never felt in danger. GOOD. I told her that sometimes people in love get hurt, and say or do things that aren’t normally logical, but in an emotional state, they seem right to do. Call a lot, send flowers and such. But I really didn’t have anything more to add, other than to suggest she speak to the legal section personnel. There are legal folks, paralegals,  in our building so I walked down there to see if they could talk to her and they could so as I left, I told her I would be praying about her situation. She said she would appreciate  it and then I left her with the paralegal.

I truly did not have a good answer for her. People do a lot of things when they are in love and they don’t always make sense if you are not that person, in that situation. Love makes a person irrational at times. But in this case, with him trying to be engaged, yet asking her to take him back, well, that seems to be a significant issue. If he is going into a new relationship with thoughts of SGT Sally, then he is not committed to the new girl. If he wants SGT Sally as a back up, in case things don’t work out, that is another way he is not committed to the new relationship.

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

I Corinthians 14:4-7

Here is a different translation.

“Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

In a way, this guy is being unfaithful to his new fiancé. If he is still so worried about his ex-fiancé, there are concerns.

Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint.         Proverbs 25:19

 

AND, this next verse says a lot and I use that to remind me, when I don’t understand things, well, because like he says, who can know it?

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9

I will be praying for all 3, SGT Sally, her ex-fiancé and his current fiancé. They all have need of prayer.

Lord,

I praise you and worship your Holy Name. I ask, in the name of Jesus that you help these three young people. All are having problems from things, and one may not be aware. Help them have comfort and find truth in things so that Your way happens for them. Spare all from as much hurt as possible. Protect my friend and the other young lay from physical and emotional harm. Help the young man deal with this emotional unfaithfulness whatever other issues he has that are causing him to try to do as he is to both of the girls. Draw them all to You. I pray for their salvation and Your forgiveness for them all.

Amen

I felt a heavy burden for this all these people.

 

Thanks, please, say a prayer for them all as well.